2026’s Sorority House Guillotine does not feature a guillotine or a sorority house. It does, however, feature a lot of footage from Bikini Guillotine and a monologue about John Cassavetes.
The majority of the film features a group of young women in bikinis hanging out at the pool. One of the women announces that she owns the house and that she’ll be having a party every weekend. Everyone says, “Whooo!” and raises their red Solo cups. Most of the footage is lifted directly from Bikini Guillotine, but it’s also obvious that a lot of it was taken from outtakes that weren’t included in that film. There are a lot of scenes where the women clearly aren’t acting, but are instead just sitting around waiting for the next shot to be set up. Members of the crew appear in the background. The shadow of the director is visible more than a few times. The camera rig is sometimes visible. There are also quite a few scenes where the women aren’t filmed from the best possible angle, and that feels rather unfair to them.
(Everyone, regardless of how attractive, has at least one unflattering angle. I’m usually pretty happy with how I photograph, but I know that if someone snaps a picture while my head is turned a certain way, all anyone is going to notice is my nose. A good director — especially one who is directing a movie in which the entire cast is half-naked for the entire running time — doesn’t include unflattering angles in the finished film.)
Because Bikini Guillotine had a nearly incoherent soundtrack, this film handles things by just featuring voice-overs over the scenes of the girls hanging out by the pool. We hear about how, when you’re young, you don’t worry about anything. “Someone says fried chicken and everyone laughs.” We’re also told that, “Gina asks Tina, ‘Why is everything so blue?’ Tina says, ‘Because you’re looking at it too long.’ ‘No, why is everyone blue?’” Wow, that’s deep. It’s the type of weed-fueled nonsense that I thought was profound during my senior year of high school.
When the voice-over isn’t talking about life, it’s talking about the movies. We’re told that the girls are talking about Charlie Chaplin and Josef von Sternberg. Eventually, they start to talk about how much they love Deep Red and the scene where David Hemmings sees his reflection in a pool of blood. Then we’re told that one of the girls is talking about how much she loves the work of John Cassavetes because Cassavetes just captured life without any studio-imposed drama. These are not the type of things that a bunch of 20-year-old girls are going to be talking about while hanging out at the pool. When I was 20, I loved movies, but I still didn’t talk about them while I was rocking a bikini next to a swimming pool. I was usually too busy trying to make sure I was giving everyone my most flattering angle.
The killer eventually shows up about 55 minutes into this 77-minute film. As opposed to the killer in Bikini Guillotine, he just wears a medical mask and carries a knife in this one. At first, I wondered if maybe the girls had been called back to shoot all-new death scenes, but as I watched, it became obvious that the scenes were actually either filmed auditions or rehearsals for the first film. The kills are once again bloodless.
What an odd movie! For all of its flaws, I do have to admit that the out-of-place voice-overs did add a bit of a surreal edge to the action. With the frequent appearances from the film crew and the cameras, one gets the feeling that Hatanaka was either trying to say something about the filmmaking process or, even more likely, he was trying to fool people into thinking he was saying something about the filmmaking process.
This film mostly just made me want to go hang out by the pool on a nice sunny day. Maybe I’ll even talk about Argento.
Kyle Williams (Matthew Le Nevez), the newly appointed sheriff of a Louisiana parish, wants to know why so many people have disappeared in the swamp. Oilman Frederick Schist (Jack Thompson) puts the blame on activist Rene LaRoque (Steve Bastoni), who lives in the swamp and has been vandalizing Schist’s oil rigs. Indigenous shaman Horn (Rawiri Paratene) suggests that the culprit is actually a legendary spirit that lives in and protects the swamp and is angry because Schist cheated the local Seminole chief out of his land.
Decades ago, a bunch of small, furry aliens crash-landed on a studio lot. The little aliens may be cute and they may love to laugh, but they’re also evil. They’ll make fantasies come true and then use those fantasies to kill their victims. The lot’s caretaker, Mr. McCreedy (Jeffrey Culver), has dedicated his life to making sure the hobgoblins remain locked away in a vault. After the hobgoblins kill a security guard who fantasized about being a rock star, Mr. McCreedy has to hire a replacement. Teenage Kevin (Tom Bartlett) takes the job because he’s trying to prove to his girlfriend, Amy (Paige Sullivan), that he can be responsible. Kevin accidentally frees the hobgoblins. Now he and his stupid friends have to stop them before they start granting fatal fantasies.
